The Uchihas must be crazy
by izunadragoness
Summary: Madara goes through the daily stress of being an Uchiha, the clan with the lowest alcohol tolerancy and most stalkers, while simultaneously dealing with the immature S-class criminals known as the Akatsuki. Maybe crossover later. T for safety and Hidan
1. Chapter 1: Madara

FIN Joyous Akatsuki parody fic

Izuna: I, sadly, don't own the Akatsuki. At least, I think. I do own a rubber ducky named Izuna-chan.

Dragoness: I do own this, and if anyone says otherwise, I will kidnap them and make Obama shoot them through the head with a guitar.

Gaara: But you DON'T own us.

Izuna: Gaara, you really shouldn't have...

Dragoness: Kukukukukuuuu

Gaara: 0.0

Dragoness: *kidnaps joyously*

Gaara: *is kidnapped with the help of Sai, Dragoness' victim-erm, underling*

Izuna: Ehm... Well, the fic must go on, despite its sudden lack of Gaara, who we had hired to control Dragoness.

Pein sat slumped at his desk with a pounding headache. He adamantly refused to believe that the headache was the fault of the seven or so bottles of sake he had had the previous night, instead blaming it on immature criminals.

To prove his point, Uchiha Madara burst through the wall with a loud crash. Somehow, he managed to look excited even through his orangely orange mask. Madara was making a giggling sound that reminded Pein of Hidan's laugh. But worse. Much worse.

"Madara-sama, what are you on...?" Pein deigned to ask.

Madara let out another Hidan laugh. "Zetsu-chan gave me CAFFEINE pills! He thought it was sleeping pills! I'm WIIIIIDE AWAKE now!" he said, laughing hysterically even more.

Pein couldn't take it. Hyper Madara was bad enough, but hyper Madara jumping through walls and laughing like a hyena at five in the freaking morning? He settled on force, punching the masked nin in the face, well, mask; knocking him out so the peace could return. He succeeded, and then cursed profusely. He was suddenly struck by the fact that Madara was his boss and an S-ranked criminal, and would probably execute him painfully later. Anyways, he was too late. The entire Akatsuki was awake, except for Kisame. The damn fish slept like a rock.

The sounds of an average Akatsuki morning started up, minus Tobi's contributions. Hidan screamed curses as he woke up to find that, sometime in the night, Sasori had strung him up and tied him to the ceiling. That would probably be his revenge for Hidan planting termites in his bed out of boredom the previous day.

Next were the crashes that came from Itachi emotionlessly tripping down the stairs, gliding impassively like the ANBU captain he is into walls, and knocking over conveniently placed glass things that really had no other purpose.

Itachi tripped through the hole that Madara had made and landed facedown on Madara himself. He sat up on Madara's chest, one leg on either side of the evil ninja, and looked down. "Kisame?" he asked with impassive confusion. (Izuna: Itachi is so cool that he can do the impossible ^_^)

Pein facepalmed. "Itach-" He started, before the aforesaid weasel interrupted him.

"Pein-sama? It's good that you've arrived. Kisame feels stone cold." Itachi prodded (Izuna: Not poked, weasels don't poke) Madara's mask to add to his words

"Ita-" Pein tried again

"Stop /babbling/, Leader-sama. Something is wrong with Kisame."

"THAT'S MADARA-SAMA!" Pein yelled frustratedly at the blind weasel.

Deidara walked in inconveniently. (Dragoness: I say conveniently…) His eyes grew huge. "Itachi-San, WHAT the HELL are you doing to Zetsu-san's pet, un?"

Itachi leapt away from Madara with ANBU speed. Pein guessed that the action was supposed to look cool, but Itachi ruined the effect by crashing into a cheerily smiling scarecrow in an Akatsuki cloak and straw hat.

"What the-" Itachi started, barely stopping himself from showing un-Uchihaness in front of his social inferiors. The orange-masked ninja awoke.

Madara sat up. "Why do I feel strangely violated?"

Itachi went red. Deidara just stared, and then left. "I'll just be leaving now... Un..."

"Madara-sama, has the caffeine worn off yet?" Pein asked the violated mastermind.

"...Caffeine?" Itachi asked, frozen in shock at the terrifying word.

"Yes, caffeine, my dear weasel. That wonderful, wonderful stuff that helps normal people climb on ceilings" Madara explained with a deceptively calm voice. Deceptively calm because, as soon as Pein breathed a sigh of relief at his calmness, Madara immediately jumped on Itachi.

"NI! NI NI NI! COWER AT THE SOUND OF NI!" Madara yelled at poor Itachi as the weasel was whacked repeatedly with a plank of wood that had appeared from nowhere to aid Madara in his Quest for World Domination.

Sasori walked in, and promptly spun on his heel and walked out. "It seems that the brat was right" he muttered. Madara froze. He turned slowly to stare at Sasori's retreating back.

"Shit" Pein hissed. Madara loped toward the puppet on all four legs. Sasori began to turn, eyes wide. His tail shot out to knock away Madara, but it was too slow. Madara landed on Hiruko's back, and, clinging on tightly, stuck a red clown nose on Hiruko's face.

"What the?" the redhead spluttered, staring cross-eyed at the nose.

Madara jumped over Sasori's shocked little head and loped out the door on four legs. "SENPAI!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. "SEENPAAAAII! Come and play, Senpai!" He galloped off. After a stunned minute, Sasori hurried out to hide and secretly see how the nose looked on Hiruko.

Pein did the only thing he could to help the youngest Akatsuki member. "Run, Deidara! Run for your life!" he yelled.

Itachi frowned. "What will Madara-sama do?"

Pein shuddered. "Remember when the Kyuubi attacked Konohagakure?" Everyone's favorite weasel nodded. "Well, that was the other time Zetsu gave him caffeine pills. Purely in the name of experiment, of course. I think that caffeine in general reacts badly with his immortality. After that, he was only allowed sleeping pills, to keep him non-homicidal and to give him the semblance of sanity. If Madara finds Deidara, terrible things will happen and Deidara might not survive." (Dragoness: UNDERSTATEMENT MUCH?)

Itachi considered this. Sure, the nuke nin was relatively useful, but he was irritating and loud as well. And he had freaky hands. "... Do we have to save him from Madara-sama?"

Pein turned to him, quite serious. "If Madara-sama kills or mentally disturbs a member, you're finding a new member who's at least at par with the member in ability. We don't need a second person with the mental stability of Madara-sama with caffeine."

Itachi ran off, somehow managing to not run into, well, everything. Following Madara's cackles, he arrived at Deidara and Sasori's room a few minutes after Madara.

Itachi ran in, making a dramatic entrance befitting of an Uchiha and saw Madara...playing with a rubber ducky? The crazy Uchiha was completely ignoring Deidara, who he had tied to a chair and gagged with the most useful material known to mankind, duct tape. Deidara looked alarmed, to say the least. "Mmpf!" he said urgently.

Madara looked over at Deidara. "Shush, Dei-kun. You're upsetting Ducky-chan." he said condescendingly. He ignored Itachi, gently placing a purple and neon green bowler hat on his ducky. Then, without looking up, he brought out a miniature cherry blossom patterned gunbai uchiwa. He fanned himself with it thoughtfully. "Ita-chan" he started. "Bring me some inarizushi"

(Izuna: His favourite food :D)

Itachi didn't move.

Madara turned to the stoic, sober Uchiha. "Pleeease, 'Tachi-kun?"

Itachi shook his head. Madara pouted, crossing his arms. "But whyyy, 'Tachi-kun?" he whined.

"Because Leader-sama is going to make me recruit a new member if you disturb Deidara beyond repair, which is quite likely to happen if I leave." Itachi pointed out.

Deidara did not look reassured.

Madara let out an excited "Oh!", a lantern-style idea lightbulb over his head.

He ran out of the room, completely forgetting about poor Deidara. Itachi put some clay in Deidara's reach before running after Madara.

As it turned out, Itachi had put the clay just OUT of poor Deidara's reach. Ah well. He'll figure out something, I'm sure.

So, Itachi caught up with Madara again. This time the insane Uchiha was in Kisame and Itachi's room. He never let anyone (minus Kisame, of course) into his room. Ever. It was in section 11.3 in the handbook he gave to Kisame, /How to keep me from Mangekyou-ing you/.

"Tobi-kun, GET the HELL out of my room." he growled.

Madara turned, a large knife in hand. "But I'm hungry, and you won't bring me any inarizushi! I thought I could make some pretty blue shark-sashimi"

Itachi threw Madara's beloved rubber ducky at him. It worked. He dropped the knife, choosing to catch the ducky instead. "Izuna-chan!" he cried out. He stroked the ducky. "You're alright now, I've got you, that meanie Ita-chan won't be able to hurt you." he turned to the other Uchiha. "If there's even one feather out of place, I'll make YOU into sashimi and give it to Zetsu-chan!" he threatened seriously. Kisame watched with interest. The second Tobi dropped the knife, he'd woken up. He had instinctively started awake at the slight clink. His Sharkey Swordsman senses were tingling.

Itachi began to cautiously advance on Madara, who just stood there, watching. When Itachi was within a meter of the hyper Uchiha, Madara screamed. Itachi covered his ears. Kisame fell off his bed. They had never heard such a loud sound.

Konan ran in. Madara ran up and tugged her cloak like a child. "Konan-chaaan, Itachi-sama thinks I'm Sasuke-kun! He told me I lack hatred, and he tried to Tsukuyomi me! Also, he tried to jump on me! I think Itachi-sama's a pervert" he whined pitifully.

Konan glared at Itachi. "Itachi..." she growled.

Madara tap-danced out to cause mental damage to other members, leaving the sounds of papery carnage behind. He ran into Hidan.

"What the fuck? Watch where you're going." Hidan said as way of greeting.

"'What the fuck?' No no no." Madara waggled his finger. "It's what the FRIDGE, not what the FUCK. Silly Jashinist, you could at least get it right!" Hidan gave the hyper Uchiha a funny look, but he carried on regardless. "Secondly, I think that you need to be taught a lesson. If you're going to swear, swear PROPERLY."

Hidan groaned. "Shit" he moaned. He _despised_ lectures.

Madara pointed at him. "That's EXACTLY what I'm talking about! It isn't 'shit', it's sassafras! And it's cricket, not crap, and it's Helsinki, not hell. YOU sure weren't hired for your brains, were you, zombie boy?"

Hidan swung his scythe at the evil mastermind. Madara jumped to the side. "STAY STILL, for Jashin's sake!" Hidan yelled, swinging his scythe even more.

Madara waggled his finger again. "Nuh uh uh~, don't say Jashin! Chuck Norris is the only true go-" he was cut off by Pein slidetackling him, barely saving him from decapitation. Madara looked at his saviour. "Oh, hello Leader-chan! Fancy seeing you here! How is being Kage working out for ya?"

Pein looked at the Uchiha like he was crazy. Which, on second thought, he probably was. "Are you SURE you're an Uchiha?" Pein panted. Seriously, NO Uchihas act like Madara! They'd rather die!

"Yep! All Uchihas have low caffeine and alcohol tolerance. I'm lucky enough to have rather high tolerance, for an Uchiha. Believe me when I say you never want to get Ita-chan drunk. He's got extremely low tolerance, for an Uchiha. Him drunk is like nothing I've seen" Madara stated, giggling slightly at the end.

"Madara-sama, I didn't need to know that. For an Uchiha, you sure are a-"

Orochimaru burst through the wall, riding on Manda, the head summon snake.

"WHAT THE CHUCK NORRIS?" Madara shrieked.

"THERE ARE MORE UCHIHAS?" Orochimaru yelled joyously in return. Kabuto stood on the ground beside Manda, adjusting his glasses jealously. Orochimaru did a fist-pump. "Yess!" our favorite snake-creeper cheered.

He hopped off of Manda and stalked over to Madara and Pein. He raised his eyebrow at the pair. Pein's eyes widened, realizing the snakey-guy's assumption. Orochimaru slapped Pein across the face hard. "Leader, you should know that all Uchihas are mine! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL AN UCHIHA FROM ME?" the snake-sannin cried overdramatically.

"Do I get a say in this?" Madara inquired.

"Of course, Uchi-kun." Orochimaru cooed

"My say is that you are a creeper, and I'm not interested in a _::probably::_ male snake-person." Madara looked around, and realized that no- one was listening. "NINPOU: MOGURA TATAKI NO JUTSU!~" He began diving into the ground and popping up at random spots all over the room. Orochimaru was arguing with Pein about who the crazy Uchiha belonged to, and Kabuto was reading an Icha Icha Tactics he had found somewhere. He had a major nosebleed.

"Think we should stop Tobi-kun?" White Zetsu inquired as he walked

down the hall to his room.

"NAH. THIS IS WAAAY TOO ENTERTAINING" Black Zetsu smiled.

"...But won't he get to us eventually?" White Zetsu pointed out

"THAT'S WHEN WE STOP HIM. REMEMBER, WE STILL HAVE HIS SLEEPING PILLS."

"How many pills again?"

"ENOUGH TO TAKE DOWN A BIJÛ." Zetsu entered his room and froze. All of

his plants had kunai through them. Some were even in flames. Zetsu's

new Icha Icha Tactics book was even gone! He clenched his fists after

dousing the pitiful remains of his dearly departed plants.

"NOW can we kill him?" White Zetsu growled.

"SEDATE HIM, THEN KILL HIM. SLOWLY. WITH SASORI'S OLD POISONS." Black

Zetsu planned.

"Ah yes, poison adds a nice edge to the flavour. However, immortals

are probably tough and chewy. Bad flavour. Kinda moldy tasting."

Zetsu's white half pointed out.

Zetsu headed off in search of Madara, never once stopping to wonder

how they would catch someone with a time-space ninjutsu and the

Sharingan.

Izuna: Aaand, taadaa!

Sai: Should I really have helped an irresponsible, rabid fangirl kidnap the Kazekage?

Dragoness: *yelling from afar* YES!

Gai: YOUTH!

Izuna: GAI-SENSEI!

*scene fades out dramatically*

*scene is forcibly continued on threat of Punishment by Exposure to Youth*

Gai and Rock Lee: POWER OF YOUTH!

*scene fades out for the final time, slightly less dramatically out of annoyance*


	2. Chapter 2, part ONE

Dragoness: *is being chased by scary Gaara in a panda suit across screen* Why, Gaara, why?

Gaara: I'M NOT A PANDA! AND STOP TRYING TO PAINTBALL ME!

Izuna: But you LOOK like one...

Gaara: Not helping...

Dragoness: And Kankuro told me you were! Anyway, what do you have against paintball?

Gaara: Kankuro shall die.

Dragoness: But I own you! I AM YOUR MASTER! DANCE, PUPPET OF MINE!

KUKUKUUU!

Gaara: Erm... No, you don't own me. I think I'd know if I was owned by someone crazier than the Shukaku

Dragoness: ...He's right. DARN YOUR LOGIC! AND DARN YOU FOR HATING PAINTBALL!

Izuna: *stage whisper* Temari! That's your cue!

Temari: *rolls eyes* Thank you very much for reviewing, Jakedude-sama. These evil authors are making me stay here to thank people. I'm not a damn Thankyou sign!

Izuna: Yes, you are.

Temari: *grumbles more*

Izuna: We thank reviewers with a (kidnapped) character of choice! Now, isn't that _nice_? Oh, and if you don't mention anyone, we choose someone RANDOM

Madara yawned, sitting up. He had been having the most wonderful dream, a dream where he defeated Hashirama, became Nidaime Hokage, and then it started raining yellow rubber duckies that sounded like his long-dead brother, Izuna...

Ah. After-effects of the caffeine pills, no doubt. He'd been given the pills five days earlier, and was _still_ being affected. What the hell had he been DOING while hyper? Hidan and Zetsu had tried to assassinate him seven times after his hyper day, Itachi had been giving him Uchihaly nervous looks, and Deidara had been avoiding him. Let's not forget that Orochimaru was now stalking him, of course.

Just another added bonus.

He strode over to his full-length black wrought-iron mirror.

Presumably it was black. Well, the last time Madara had seen it, it was black. At the current moment it was yellow, from thousands of tightly-packed sticky notes. He peered drowsily at the one in front of his nose. It said, 'Buy red and black velvet to make Izuna-chan a new member's robe'. Below it was the sticky note containing the details of the Moon's Eye Plan. Under _that_ was his shopping list.

He washed his face with icy water in the sink beside the mirror. His messy black hair flopped over his face sleepily. He half-heartedly blew the hair out of his eyes, looking at his boxer-clad reflection. After wondering momentarily why, if he was over a hundred years old, he only had a few thousand sticky notes; he grabbed a bottle of styling gel from the cabinet beside his mirror. He carefully styled his hair into its perfect spikes, blatantly showing the typical hair- obsession Uchihas were so famed for. Every self-respecting Uchiha washes his hair twice daily and uses expensive styling gel!

Madara stalked over to his closet. He opened the door, and Orochimaru leapt out. Seeing as he was tackling Madara, he went right through the Uchiha. "MADARA-KUN!" he shrieked joyously. He stared up at Madara with starry eyes and a nosebleed. Madara looked down, realizing he was standing in front of his obsessed stalker maskless and in only his boxers. An absolutely _excellent_ start to the day, the usual catch to being an Uchiha.

Madara sighed. "Katon: Goukakyuu no jutsu" And Orochimaru was no more.

However, neither was the wall that had looked out onto the lair's mountain scenery. Madara scratched his head contemplatively. "It was worth it." he finally said. "Being stalked by snake closet perverts was rather annoying. At least now I can get a deck." he fastened his mask on quickly. "But are Sannins really that easy to kill?"

He spotted a neon pink note floating to the scorched floor where the snake-stalker had been standing. Madara deftly caught it. "Blah blah blah... Orochimaru's Laboratories Incorporated proud to be sponsored by London Drugs, McDonalds, Britney Spears, etc, etc... Ah! The real message.

'Hello, Madara my sweet. I'm sure that was an accidental Fire style Giant Fireball. I know accidents like that happen to me all the time. You needn't worry, I escaped without a scratch. Learning every jutsu can come in handy! So, would you like to go on a date to the Ramen store in Oto? I made sure that its ramen is better than Konoha's.

Respond soon, Madara-kun! You're even more kawaii than Sasuke-kun!

PS: Itachi spotted me sneaking into your room, so we had to get rid of him.'"

Madara thoughtfully shredded the paper and absorbed it into the eyehole of his mask. There. No-one else should find it now. Now, to find out what Orochimaru did to Itachi...

After getting dressed, Madara slowly opened the door to his room.

Seeing that the lair was still intact after Orochimaru's miniature invasion, and that Deidara hadn't spotted Orochimaru and tried to blow himself up 'in self defence' (again), he exited.

On cue, Deidara ran up with a speed rivalling Madara's. Madara watched him approach with a hidden smile, and at the right moment, tripped the nuke-nin. To his credit, Deidara somersaulted the second he hit the ground, somehow ending in a kneeling position. "Did you just trip me, un?" he practically yelled, edgier than usual.

Madara lowered his head and crossed his legs, pretending to look nervous. "Noo, sempaii, I'd NEVER!"

Deidara still looked at him suspiciously. "I'll get you for that later. That's not important. I need to find Leader-sama, un!"

Madara breathed out an imperceptible sigh of relief. He didn't feel like dodging bombs. "Aah, is it about Itachi-San, sempai?" he asked in a cunning Tobi voice.

Madara looked down the hall. Deidara had disappeared. Madara had thought that only HE could use the space-time ninjutsu. "Sempaii, where'd ya go?"

Then he heard what had made Deidara run for his life-um, to Leader.

There was a deep growling sound. It sounded like the growler was hysteric. Odd. Very odd. Madara cautiously tiptoed toward the noise, not even wanting to use chakra to dampen the sound of his footsteps. The halls were empty and echoed slightly. He peered into Kisame and Itachi's room, and saw Itachi, Sharingan eyes ablaze, chewing on a pillow and staring at him. "Damn you, Orochimaru" Madara thought. A lightbulb clonked him on the head. Then, randomly, he got a genius idea-bomb that had no relevancy to the lightbulb.

Madara rapidly retreated, running into Pein and Deidara. "Diagnosis?" Pein asked shortly.

"What do you take me for, a goddamn medic?" Pein's eyes flickered to Deidara. He was clearly thinking something along the lines of, _'What the hell are you thinking, Uchiha?' _Madara carried on, unaffected. "Orochimaru's made our little Uchiha rabid. I have a plan-" Madara shot a glance at a very irritated and slightly confused Deidara "_-Leader-Sama._"

Pein caught the hint. "Deidara, would you go find Kisame? His partner, his responsibility." Narrowing his eyes, Deidara ran off in search of the fishy. Fishy fishy fishy. Fishy FISHY fishy fishy. Fishy fishy FISHY-

"Stop that, it's kind of weird. Can we just carry on? I want some dango." Madara interrupted Izuna (the author not the ducky)'s rant.

Pein decided that it would be best for the Akatsuki as a whole if he just pretended that their true leader wasn't talking to the nonexistent little voices in his head. He cleared his throat meaningfully, the meaning of course being, Shut the hell up so I can pretend you're sane, sir. He cleared his throat again. And again. And again. After seventeen meaningful throat-clearings, Madara looked up.

"Do you need some cough medicine? I have some right here." he began to rummage in the pockets that his cloak technically didn't have. He produced a plastic bottle covered with little skulls and signs saying, 'DO NOT CONSUME'. He held out the bottle. There was a pile of dust inside. Madara peered in. "Hmm. Maybe it's a little past its expiry date. When my father made it, this container was full of LIQUID..."

"Ehh... No thanks, I'll be fine. But, ehm, do you have a plan? About Itachi, sir?" Pein asked cautiously, trying to reassume the original, rather important topic.

"Of course, idiot!" Under his mask, Madara was as flustered as Uchihaly possible. Uchihas don't babble like that, or show _concern_!

They're cold and heartless! They-damn, babbling again. "Ehh... Ah yes, Itachi. I'm going to drop him off in Otogakure and hope he kills them all. I'll go along to bring him back once he calms down. Orochimaru wouldn't be stupid enough to permanently incapacitate an Uchiha. That would be completely out of character. He's too obsessed!"

Pein began to sneak away. "It sounds like I'm not needed, sooo... I'll just be going..."

Madara tripped him. It was beginning to be a hobby. Remember children, tripping people is fun! "No, you're going to catch Itachi without knocking him out or killing him" Understanding his crazy boss' idea, Pein did that weird attracting thing with his Deva Path. Itachi came flying through the wall, along with several hundred pieces of wall and a red and white snake. Itachi, and everything else, smashed into Pein, the aftermath of his attracting jutsu.

Itachi started chewing on Pein. "... And that doesn't hurt?" Madara inquired.

"No. I can't feel a thing. It'll just be bad for his stomach." Pein reassured.

Madara swirled Pein and Itachi into another dimension. As an afterthought, he also swirled in a ham, peanut butter, and Fruit Loops sandwich with a garnish of chocolate shavings and grand marnier whipped cream that he had made beforehand. With a rehearsed evil cackle, Madara teleported to Otogakure. Specifically, Orochimaru's room.

Madara's eyes immediately began to hurt from the black and red.

Obsessive dedication is a scary thing when you're a ninja. There were hundreds of photos of him asleep, being blown up, even styling his hair and scaring Itachi. Hey, that reminded him...

Madara looked out the spyhole in the door. There was no-one around. How-dare he say it-troublesome. He exited the creepy obsessively decorated room and walked aimlessly through the pink halls. Spotting a door labelled 'Laboratories', he entered. "Hello-o! Anyone here..." his voice died off as his S-Ranked Pedo-Perv Senses tingled melodramatically.

He decided to follow the time-honoured tradition of walking with no destination in mind until he walked into something. He walked into something. It was kind of sharp. Probably because it was a neon pink snake-decorated, sky blue safety-scalpel. Moving on...

He walked into a sterile-smelling room where Orochimaru was playing Truth or Dare with Kabuto and Sasuke and began to chat. "Ah! How's everyone doing? Fine? How's my second favourite great great great nephew? Vengeance working well for you? I just felt like dropping off some things you guys left at the Lair when you mini-invaded." Madara shrugged nonchalantly, pulling the red and white snake from his pocket. "This is the snake you left. I named him..." he paused for effect. "...Billy."

Sasuke facevaulted. "You're part of the Akatsuki, a group of evil s- ranked villains, and you have a coral snake named _Billy_? How disappointing."

"Ah, but you forgot that he is an EVIL snake" Madara stated smugly.

Suddenly, he stuck a finger in the air, signalling that he'd just remembered something. "Oh, and there's one OTHER thing you left." He let loose Itachi, who was still trying to eat Pein. The mad weasel perked at the sight of the snakey edibilities. Kabuto paled, and Madara jumped on that.

"You! Four-eyed freak! How do I fix him?" he asked, flicking his finger at the medic.

Kabuto looked at Orochimaru for confirmation that he could answer. The snakey stalker nodded. "Well, it'll wear off eventually. There's nothing you can do until then"

"Perfect!" Madara grinned evilly under his mask. He nodded to Pein, who repelled Itachi by a few meters toward Orochimaru. Madara swirled the fake Akatsuki leader into his mask and teleported outside the room. He could hear snarling. "Zetsu-saaan" he called out. The cannibal popped out of the ground, a party hat on his head.

"Aww, Tobi-kun, I was at a party! You wouldn't BELIEVE the babes you're making me miss out on" White Zetsu whined.

Black Zetsu eyed his counterpart suspiciously. "YOU WERE? WHY WASN'T I INVITED?"

White Zetsu stuck out his tongue. "'Cuz I'm cooler" he stated smugly.

"How does that even work out?" Madara asked.

"...We can't expect _you_ to understand, Tobi-kun" White Zetsu sniffed.

"HEY, DON'T TALK LIKE THAT TO LEADER" Black Zetsu objected. The sounds of carnage in the background paused momentarily. Some loud crashes sounded.

The sound of "Sharingan!" punctured the foreboding silence, and someone started banging on the door. "Let me out! HE'S TRYING TO EAT ME! LET ME OUT!"

"Well, if you're alive enough to complain, then do something about it!

Don't come complaining to ME!" Madara shouted back. The voice had no response to this.

"So, Zetsu-San, can you keep an eye on Itachi-San? I want to know when he regains his sanity."

Zetsu nodded. "SURE THING, TOBI-KUN. AFTER ALL, _I_ HAVE NO PARTIES OR BABES TO GO TO" Black Zetsu sighed.

"Good. Remember to come and tell me immediately if he regains sanity. Bye!" Madara teleported back to the lair.

Deidara rounded the corner with Kisame. For those of you who forgot, Pein reasonlessly told Deidara to find Kisame wayyy back when the world was young. So, about twenty minutes before. "Tobi, have you seen Leader- San? I need to tell him something"

"Sempaiii, can you tell me? I'll tell Leader-sama for you later!

Pleeeease?" Tobi begged.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Sure, whatever. Kisame-San was attacked by Itachi about an hour ago, and then ran off to hide, un-"

"I wasn't hiding!" Kisame protested. "I was retreating temporarily to plan out a tactical comeback!"

"How many tactical comebacks are planned under the sink, un?" Deidara shot back. With his opposition down for the count, Deidara carried on.

"So, Konan-chan found him hiding under the sink after I recruited her to help me find him. He's been bitten by Itachi, and has some long gashes, either from kunai or fingernails. Kisame-San says fingernails, un. The cuts look infected."

"What, already, sempai?" Tobi asked incredulously.

"Yeah. I think it must be some ingredient in his nail polish. He buys a different brand from us. I saw the bottle once, I think it has a snake ingredient" Deidara commented.

"Well, sayonara sempai! I'm just going to go do something innocent and legal!" Tobi said cheerfully.

Deidara and Kisame watched him leave. "Innocent and legal? That's never good. We're S-ranked criminals." Deidara said, shaking his head. Kisame agreed.

Walking into his room, Madara swirled Pein out of his mask. The 'elite' fake head of the Akatsuki was in a ball. Madara prodded him with his foot warily before kicking him in the stomach. "Leader- chaaan, it's time to face your subordinates! ~" he sang.

"Go away. I'm gonna be sick." Pein groaned.

"Motion sickness?" Madara guessed.

"NO, you idiot-erm, I mean sir! It was that sandwich!"

Madara (presumably) stared at him. "What's wrong with it? Do you have a problem with my sandwich-making skills, _Leader-San_?"

Despite the impossibility of it, Pein paled considerably. "Ehh... N-no sir! Not at _all_ sir! I, umm, just have a...delicate stomach, sir!"

Pein fabricated, pulling a crisp salute. He didn't dare bow; there was a chance Madara would try to behead him. He might try to anyways for the sheer novelty.

Madara eyed him suspiciously. In reality, he was quite amused by Pein's antics, but he'd never say so. "...Well, anyway, Zetsu-San is watching Itachi's every move. Like a stalker, but it benefits the organization."

Pein nodded understandingly. "You know, one of the reasons I hired Zetsu was that I caught him stalking me. It turned out he'd been stalking me for ten months without me noticing."

Madara sighed. "Yes, Leader-San, you've told me many times. By the way, I'm the one who _told_ you to hire him."

Pein looked faintly proud. "Ah, but it was that that kept me from killing him for stalking me. You know, stalkers are kinda annoying"

"No, really?" Madara asked sarcastically, momentarily thinking back on his short experience with them. Pein nodded. "Anyway, go out and reassure YOUR organisation. I'll just go laugh maniacally now."

Pein gave him a weirded-out look, and obligingly left the room. The second the door clicked shut; he heard impressive maniacal laughter which ended in a not-so-impressive cough attack.

Zetsu popped up in Madara's room. "Ehh, Tobi, we have a problem" White Zetsu said nervously, scratching the back of his neck and averting his eyes.

Izuna: MWAHAHA! CLIFFIE!

Dragoness: I like this plot. Can we continue it?

Madara: No

Izuna: YES!

Madara: No

Izuna: YESYESYES!

...

Dragoness: ... I think Itachi's nail polish is from the book/movie Holes. Snake venom nail polish!


	3. Ch2 pt2, in other words, Ch3

Izuna: YES!

Madara: No!

Izuna: YES!

Madara: Yes!

Izuna: NO!

Madara: *smirk* Very well, if you insist.

Izuna: YOSH! Waitasec...

Madara: Kukukuuu... D

Izuna: At least I can say I don't own Madara or his nutcase minions. That'd be crazy! It's IMPOSSIBLE for me to own someone smarter than me!

Madara: Heh, and never forget it~

Dragoness: Forgetting something?

Izuna: OH YEAH! That's your cue!

Deidara: Thank you, ArtIsABangDeidaraLove4ever-Danna. It's nice to finally meet someone else who actually appreciates true art. Even Sasori-Danna only appreciated that fake art, puppetry! Oh, and I like the name.~ Okay, so sodium-based bombs are the best for civilians, being relatively easy to make with simple and accessible materials. However, if you're a shinobi, then chakra-infused bombs are the way to go. The blast size is about double that of a sodium bomb, and it's quieter as well. Sodiu-

Izuna: Dei, that's enough. Really. I'm confused already. Madara?

Madara: You can't get me to do this.

Izuna: Madara, if you don't go, I'll attack you with a white-hot cattle prod, dye your hair Sakura-pink, give you a matching haircut, tie you up, and give you to the Sasori fangirls. =D

Madara: ...I've changed my mind. Thank you very much for your review, Gonyonomaru-sama and Yuti-chan-sama. Here's an Uchiha crest-patterned gunbai. Please convince Izuna-chan to stop being so cruel to underpaid, well-loved villains such as myself, she really is quite irritating.

Izuna: That'll never work...

Madara: Oh, and if you two really like me, is there any chance of you giving me Kyuubi and Hachibi for my birthday? It's tomorrow.

Izuna: *hits Madara across the head Sakura-style* Liar.

Dragoness: I forgot to tell you, but Taiyoukai assassin replied.

Izuna: How do you forget something like that? So, who's the victim?

Itachi: *ahem* That would be me. Thank you for your review, miss Taiyoukai. Mass randomness isn't my style. Would you like to come taunt Sasuke with me? It's tiring work, so we may go to my favourite dango store after.

Izuna: He looks so sweet~

X~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~X-X

Madara spun around and glared grumpily. "A _problem_?" he repeated slowly.

Zetsu nodded nervously. "EHH, TOBI, ITACHI ESCAPED." Black Zetsu revealed under Madara's patented Death Glare.

Madara exploded, beginning to pace. "How? Your job was so simple!

Stalk Itachi. Stalking is your damn _speciality_. How could you fail at your own speciality?"

White Zetsu began to answer before Black Zetsu slapped his hand over their mouth. White Zetsu didn't understand the concept of 'rhetorical questions'.

Madara glared, never pausing in his pacing. He stopped. "Do you at least know where he even is?" Madara asked coldly.

"WE TRACKED HIM TO KONOHA. THEY CAUGHT HIM AFTER HE TRIPPED" Black Zetsu revealed. He hurriedly prepared to leave when he remembered something important. "Tobi-kun, Sasuke-San and Kabuto-San somehow survived"

Madara smiled slightly. "Well, at least we now have candidates for the next open positions. Continue stalking him. I will go as well" he stated.

Zetsu left before he could get in deeper trouble.

Madara teleported to the hallway outside Ibiki's interrogation room where Itachi was.

IN THE INTERROGATION ROOM

Ibiki paced back and forth, beginning to talk "Sources say that you're in the Akatsuki, Itachi-San."

Itachi just chewed contently on a piece of rope, making a happy 'om nom nom' sound.

Ibiki slammed his hands on the table. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way. In other words, torture or less torture. It's your choice, Itachi-San."

Itachi continued to chew in a bovine manner that was distinctly irritating.

"Okay, so that's the hard way." Ibiki decided. Itachi continued to chew. It seemed rather like teething, now that he thought about it. He signalled for an Anbu to come over.

"Y-yes, sir?" the Anbu squeaked. He was obviously new at the job.

Ibiki noticed that the Anbu was wearing a mask decorated like a duck.

"Why does he have that rope? It's getting on my nerves."

"W-well, sir, it's either us or the rope"

"You mean he was _chewing_ on you guys?" Ibiki asked, startled. The Anbu nodded.

Another Anbu ran in, this one with a giraffe mask. "Sir, the Akatsuki are attacking! Their attacks are concentrated in the North wing."

While they were talking, they weren't paying attention to Itachi. That was just as well, as he didn't seem to be conscious of the fact that he was being interrogated.

Ibiki pinched the bridge of his nose to stop the headache he was getting. He turned to the duck Anbu. "Look, stay here and watch the prisoner. Do not let him leave this room until I come and get him."

The newbie saluted. "Right. Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him."

Ibiki froze, hand on the doorknob. He turned back. "No no, _until_ I come and get him."

"Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room" the newbie recited.

"No no no. You stay in the room, and make sure HE doesn't leave."

"until you come and get him" the new anbu finished. Ibiki turned to leave again. "We don't need to do anything apart from just stopping him from entering the room"

The discussion went on like this for several minutes, until Ibiki got frustrated and the idiotic duck Anbu finally understood. Ibiki left immediately with the giraffe Anbu, as if stupidity was contagious.

The duck Anbu removed his mask, chuckling slightly. "Ahh, I can't believe he fell for it. That was easy." Madara said. He owned an Anbu mask for times like these, and had killed an Anbu on the way in for the clothes.

He turned to Itachi, but his great-nephew wasn't there. He frowned and spun around to get a quick view of the entire room. No Itachi.

However, there WAS a giant hole in the wall. There were a few tooth and claw marks around the side of the hole. Madara stalked over, swiping one finger on the wall in the hole as if checking for dust. He stared intently at the substance on his finger before rubbing two fingers together. He looked up. "How did he chew through **cement**?"

"Zetsu!" he called softly. The plant-man appeared out of the ground.

"Can you track Itachi down? I have to return to the hideout to do something more important"

"Like what?" White Zetsu asked. Black Zetsu shushed him and off he went. Madara teleported back to the lair after slipping on his cloak.

XxxxxX XxxxxX

Zetsu appeared in a deserted part Konoha, sticking his head out of the ground in a park outside the Uchiha compound.

"Why are we _here_ again? They don't like us much" White Zetsu pointed out.

Black Zetsu rolled his eye. "THIS IS WHERE WE TRACKED ITACHI TO AFTER HE LEFT HIS CELL, IDIOT. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ALREADY?"

"Ehh..."

"I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS" Black Zetsu groaned.

Having just escaped from the evil clutches of Dragoness after she made him kidnap Garra in ch1, Sai stared at the cannibalistic plant-dude.

And stared. And quickly sketched him, because Zetsu is fun to draw, dammit.

Zetsu turned at the sound of Sai putting away his sketchpad. Sai gawked for a bit more Sai-style. He turned, throwing a comment over his shoulder casually before he left. "You may be cool, but that plant makes you look like you're overcompensating."

Zetsu stared after the ROOT member. "Well, that was rude" White Zetsu stated. (Izuna: He didn't outright deny it~)

Zetsu climbed the stairs of one of the buildings. At every floor, he stopped to set up traps. He stopped on the roof to make a foolproof trap, and went to hide.

XxXxXxXxXxX

A wild Itachi scurried up to the abandoned building, pursued by some shinobi. It sniffed, smelling the glorious scent of dango. Not really caring about the strong scent of bloodied lettuce-little did it know it was Zetsu's scent-the Itachi galloped into the building. On the first floor there was some miso ramen with a loop of rope around it; the Itachi skirted around and continued on to find the dango.

His pursuers ran in after him. One threw all caution to the wind and was felled by the miso ramen trap. His teammates continued on, intent on hunting the rare Itachi.

On reaching the next floor, the Itachi took a sniff; nope, no dango here either. It skirted the hole in the floor covered by palm tree leaves, ignored the "NO TRAP HERE" sign, and continued on its Itachi- ish way.

The pursuers minus Naruto reached the floor a minute or so after their prey. Two shinobi took great care in reading the sign and, convinced, promptly fell through the hole. The last pursuer had to leave them too.

The Itachi froze. Could it be...? Nah, it couldn't. He didn't even look at the closet that resided in the centre of the room, and scampered up the stairs.

The last member of the group, now without Neji and Shikamaru, reached the last floor before the roof. He saw a closet. He read the sign on it, "PERFECTLY NORMAL CLOSET"

He opened the door.

It was a perfectly normal closet. However, it was full of candy. And really, it wasn't all that perfectly normal. More like perfectly abnormal. When the door was opened, the candy in the booby-trapped candy-closet all fell on the last pursuer. The jounin was knocked out by the sheer pressure of the yummy candies.

ELSEWHERE

A cd starts playing in Konan and Pein's room.

"Lucky is the shirt that covers your chest Ya wouldn't have the ego to discover the rest of you I'm stuck on you, eh eh Sweet miss Blue, how do ya do~"

Konan shook her head. "No. Just...no."

After mentally declaring the catchy tune to be her themesong, she listened to it three more times.

BACK TO THE FUTURE-ERM, ITACHI

The wild Itachi scurried onto the roof. He smelt...dango! And bloodied lettuce, but that's beside the point. He leaped into the empty horizontal refrigerator box that contained the heavenly scent.

Zetsu shut the box and left, taking the shortcut down before going back to the hideout. He briefly wondered why there were so many shinobi in his failproofishly cool traps, but dismissed it as his own popularity.

"LEADER!" Black Zetsu called out. Said shinobi was running away from Konan for no apparent reason. Well, there must've been SOME reason, but neither seemed to care. Pein was just running away, and Konan was just chasing. During their third lap around Zetsu and his motionless box, Zetsu grabbed Pein's cloak. He tripped, sprawling into Zetsu. He immediately flipped onto his back to stare at Konan hesitantly.

She smiled. "Thanks, Nagato, for the CD! I love it!"

He smiled brightly in return, then paused. "Why were you chasing me, then?"

Her smile turned downright evil. "It's really quite fun, you know. You should try it sometime!"

He sighed goodhumouredly, turning back to Zetsu. "Did you buy a fridge? Good job, as long as it was with your own money and isn't pink. Pink is SUCH an Orochimaru color-"

"Leader-sama, we didn't buy a fridge." White Zetsu started.

"Did you steal it then? Oh, good!" Pein replied.

White Zetsu sweatdropped. "Eh, no Leader. This is what we're containing Itachi in. We lured him in with dango."

Pein sweatdropped in return. It seemed that babbling was contagious.

Then it hit him. "You lured him in with dango? Dango is sweet, and he has a bad reaction to sweet foods! How much did you give to him?"

Pein demanded. He really felt like retiring. Even his boss was going crazy.

Both Zetsus mentally counted. "I lost track at twenty" White Zetsu confessed.

"I'M SURE THERE WERE TWENTY-EIGHT" Black Zetsu countered.

Pein facepalmed. However, he was interrupted by two people.

Kisame poked his head in. "Is Itachi here? My weasel senses are tingling."

The refrigerator box fell over, and Itachi stuck his head out of the box. He was even paler than usual, chalk white. "I'm going to be sick"

he announced, before doing so.

Kisame looked back at Pein. "Why is my partner in a refrigerator box?"

Itachi looked back up momentarily. "An excellent question. I've wondered so for quite a while, and have deemed it Tsukuyomi-worthy."

He promptly threw up again.

Pein looked cornered. "Hey, I didn't bring Itachi back! Zetsu did!

Tsukuyomi him, not me!" He mentally breathed a sigh of relief. Itachi HADN'T become hyper after all that dango.

Kisame and Itachi turned to Zetsu. Kisame nonchalantly placed his hand on Samehada in a way that could become _very_ threatening if he didn't get the right answers. "So" he started. "Why _is_ my partner in a refrigerator box?"

"Well, how did you expect us to catch him? We set a dango trap"

White Zetsu sniffed.

"SHUT UP" Black Zetsu hissed to his counterpart.

"How much dango?" Kisame asked curiously.

"You said twenty-eight sticks, right?" White Zetsu inquired.

"RIGHT" Black Zetsu confirmed. "NOW, SHUT UP IF YOU WANT TO LIVE" he added with slightly more urgency.

Kisame had paled to a light blue. "_Twenty-eight sticks?_"

"ACTUALLY, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, WASN'T IT THIRTY-EIGHT?" Black Zetsu inquired "My goodness, you're right!" White Zetsu exclaimed in a sudden British accent.

"Where did you get all of that dango?" Pein asked.

"That dango store in Konoha that Itachi likes" White Zetsu answered vaguely.

Kisame frowned. "How do you know which dango store Itachi likes?"

"EHH... IS THAT TOBI I HEAR CALLING US? BYE!" Zetsu escaped.

On cue, Tobi leaped into the room, directly on Itachi. "ITACHI-SAN!"

He squealed. In an undertone, he hissed, "Vengeance is sweet. Prepare to be violated, nephew". Itachi blanched. It was quite hard to see since he was already comparable to chalk, but Tobi could tell. He grinned devilishly under his mask.

"Why is Itachi so much more popular than me?" Kisame wailed after watching Tobi's sudden show of creeperish affection.

Itachi turned sharply to look at his partner. "Are you telling me you _want_ Tobi to jump you?" he hissed incredulously. He gestured to the orange-masked ninja. "Here. Take him. _Take him_"

Kisame put up his hands in a calming manner, wincing slightly at his partner's offer. "...I'd rather not"

Itachi sighed as his ancestor snickered quietly in his ear.

ELSEWHERE, AT THE START OF A NEW SEGMENT "Hey Dann-Danna? How did you do that, un?" Deidara asked, surprised.

"Just shut up" Sasori grumbled. At the sound of Deidara's voice, he had panicked and ran up the tree in about half a second, somehow thinking it was an Uchiha. However, he didn't know how to get down, and the tree was rather tall...

Deidara bit back a laugh, taking in his partner's expression. "Danna, don't you know how to get down, un?"

"How many trees are there in Suna? None. How much tree-climbing practice do I therefore have? None." Sasori pointed out frostily.

"There are no trees in Iwa, but even _I_ can climb trees, un" Deidara snickered. Sasori glared. "Rocks are good practice" the blondie pointed out with a shrug.

Sasori rolled his eyes. "Brat, get me down. Now."

Deidara considered his options. He could send a bird up to fetch him, climb up the tree with chakra and carry him down, or... Gleefully, Deidara exploded the tree. Sasori landed in a ninjalike fashion. In other words, he landed on his face with his butt sticking into the air.

Sandaime Kazekage glomped Deidara at the slightest twitch of an irritated Sasori's fingers. Well, it looked like a glomp. It was probably just a way to keep the nuke nin from escaping. "Sit still and stay" Sasori instructed, getting up and brushing himself off.

Deidara made a great show of looking at his puppet captor before turning to its puppeteer. "Danna, I didn't know you were so interested in me, un!"

"You wish, brat" the puppet scoffed. He moved his fingers in a graceful motion. The Kazekage puppet brought out, oddly enough, a feather. It was brown.

As the puppet began to tickle the blond ninja, Deidara was laughing his head off under the influence of the evil feather. "What was...that...for... un?" he panted as soon as Sasori paused.

"Payback. Never put your stupid fake art near me again" Sasori ordered.

Deidara scoffed. "_Fake art?_ What do YOU know about art, un? "

Okay, so nothing's changed there.

-ELSEWHERE

"BZZZZZZ!" The chainsaw buzzed maniacally

Both Zetsus cackled in a way surprisingly reminiscent of Orochimaru as they enjoyed their hobby. They held the chainsaw with both hands and brought it down quickly on the unsuspecting enemy.

The lawn mower exploded in a way that would make even Deidara proud, but Zetsu was miraculously unharmed.

Elsewhere XXXXXXXxxx

Konan sat in the main office of her successful doujin company, "Ass-to- Kooky", kinky Akatsuki oneshots. "NEXT!" she called out, and the next person from the long line outside her office entered.

"Hello, I'd like to order a box set of ItaKisa, please. Also, I'd like one volume of lemony SasoDei and one volume of lemony ItaZetsu"

Konan's best customer from Konoha ordered politely. It was... Jiraiya?

Nope! Shino! Konan nodded, scribbling down the order and handing the paper to Shino. He pushed up his sunglasses, took the paper and left.

"NEXT!" She yelled, and Baki entered.

XxxxX AND CUE SCENE CHANGE XxxxX

"I'm reeeeaping all the souls~

Wieldinggg my scythe of Jashinn~

What a wonderful feeling it is to kill all the innocent to death!~"

(From BLEACH CRACK PARODY, look it up)

Kakuzu twitched. "Hidan, shut. Up. "

Hidan stuck out his tongue. "You're just jealous that Izuna-chan doesn't like you and decided to pretend you don't exist!~"

"...Who the hell's Izuna-chan?"

XxXxXxXxXx ELSEWHERE, IN A DARK ROOM

"Izuna-chan, if this fiction is about us Uchihas, what was that last selection of writing?" Itachi asked Izuna the authoress.

"Because I felt like writing it and thought it would be fun! And it was. So there." Izuna the authoress stuck out her tongue.

"One more thing." Izuna waved her hand for him to go on.

"...Seriously? _Ass to kooky_? What sort of name is THAT?" Itachi asked.

"My friend accidentally said it instead of Akatsuki, soo... We thought it'd be a good porn company name" Izuna defended.

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

XxXxBACK TO WHATEVER PLOTLINE WE HAD

"Sasori-saaaaaan, I'm bored. Can I borrow Them again?" Tobi whined.

Sasori nodded, responding as he took out the scroll containing his two most recent puppets. Tobi had a habit of borrowing these puppets to play with. "What are you using them for today? As guests to a tea party? As a raft?"

Tobi shook his head energetically. "For dress-up, Sasori-San! I borrowed Konan-sama's underwear and some of her extra clothes for it!"

Sasori sighed, shaking his head as he handed over the Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus puppets. He had gotten irritated by the two teens, and had decided to silence them with his awesome puppetmaking skills

Tobi glomped the puppets and dragged them to his room.

XxXxXxXxXxX

Izuna: ...That feels a LOT shorter than previous chapters... D'X Soo... If you have any ideas, PLEASE mention them!

Sasuke: Next chapter is when I make my REAL entrance

Itachi: No! My beloved little brother will be stuck here as well?

Izuna: Yep, so too bad for you.~

Hidan's song is from Bleach Crack Parody, a truly wonderful video.

Ibiki's argument is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I'm relatively sure Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are owned by themselves.

Dragoness: Reviewers get a message from their character of choice!

We'll either try to keep them in-character as possible, or have fun.

Possibly both. And I call Gaara~


End file.
